Pullin the old switcheroo, fermented booze and apple juice. I won I won I won. Here’s a little taste of what the future’s gonna look like. But you gotta spend some dough. In my car I’m brainwashed driving pleasant streets lined with pleasant trees sucking down all my pleasant carbon monoxide. I get everywhere so fast. Lickitysplit. Man and Woman attached at hip eating bananas and crying into milk bowls lingering at the breakfast nook. Wide hips swaying in the breeze. So, see, there’s no perfect society. Every one is great and every one is terrible. Great and terrible. Destructive and redemptive. In the end it all burns whitehot and the rebirth is a rapid heartbeat. Who says there’s no more publicity stunts. Who says there’s no more personalities. Who says reality television ain’t grand. Tornadoes thrown into the pokey with no bread or water. Spinning. Sons are seen soon. Welcomed rising out of the murky waters.

President set to run a long race in radioactive waters off the coastline while the military ties to rearrange itself in order to put on the air of self government during a time when young Hollywood stars are scorned for not staying in long loving relationships. A pair of the protectors of the free world have been slain while not in the free world’s boundaries at the same time that big huge fists pummel other big huge fists in anger over laundry. China maintains it’s order. 50,000 people soon to be stricken with bouts of acne due to cooking grease and bouts of depression due to working a job. Planes begin to deteriorate in mid-air and everyone is surprised that 40-year-old fuel tubes that float in the sky aren’t immortal. Investments in sports? Taking a vacation from profits? Laying in a crypt? Your computer is about to need an upgrade again, please. Can’t you just get used to change already? A reference to a TV show from the 80’s is not gonna go to far in convincing the younger generation to pull up their pants and be just like you. Protesters killed. Old lady to be offered contract with Oakland Raiders, eventually. She has fast footwork and a deft touch. And she’s out to protect all her treasures. Charlie Sheen. Something bad happens in Africa.

Did you get all that? Try not to choke. If you have a coughing fit, please exit out the door and into the alleyway and make your noise out there.

Here’s the recap of yesterday’s headlines over at cnn.com. Listen to the song as you read. I’ve found that’s the best way to overload your brain into a blissful state.

Somewhere, someplace, in some part of the world the water is completely or a little bit contaminated with carcinogens that will kill you. In China the thing that will kill you is owning a computer and using it to subject others to your thoughts and whims. Being young and care-free will get you penalized and possibly fined. Being the leader of the free world will only get you criticism for whatever you say and do, be it good or bad or nothing at all. People died in some place far away or close in a fiery inferno that was probably intense and sad. A low-level public employee requests less money for his job setting up a future full of going back on his word. A big snake slithers away and probably into your backyard. It’s also a very poisonous snake and an aggressive snake. Don’t be a hero and try to capture it. It’s got a big gun. Some company somewhere decides its a good idea to invest money in a new monthly periodical that will be sold to homosexual soldiers in the US armed forces. Either that, or, someone has a gun with a magazine full of bullets and is aiming it straight at all the gay troops. Trustworthy sources of news and facts are the rebel forces battling in Libya. They report only the truth! Other people that report the truth are contained on the list of best Twitter feeds. There are a hundred and forty of those people, so take a break from your busy day and drown your head in other people’s business. An old vice presidential candidate, who’s running mate got hammered by Ronald Reagan, died. She was a woman, I hear. The mighty Oprah is set to stop airing her dirty laundry. Go ahead and get stoned in college, you never have to pay back those loans. A disc jockey in New York is shot and killed, for an unknown reason, by unknown assailants. His real name was unknown. Subversive cartoons made in Korea decide to stop production on an episode that makes light of nuclear tragedy. Now the younger generation will never know about nuclear disaster. Mariah Carey is home safe. She’s doing okay. No need to worry or press the panic button.

Here’s all the news from yesterday according to cnn.com. Let’s see if I can recap it for you based solely on the headlines:

A coalition of armed forces flew somewhere and dropped bombs and those bombs hit something deemed necessary to destroy.

The food in Japan is safe for now, but in the long run, who knows.

The stock market is doing just great.

The earth we live on often rumbles and moves, but there’s no way for us to tell when or where that’s gonna happen. We are not as all-knowing and all-powerful as we may suspect.

Children should maybe or maybe not be strapped into car seats for longer or shorter periods of time. It’s hard to know, but you should fear for your kid’s safety.

Charlie Sheen isn’t doing anything out of the ordinary. At least as far as his ordinary goes.

The president spoke, probably eloquently or exquisitely or graciously, to a group of youngsters.

Ma Bell makin’ a come back.

Big Breasted super-heroine slips into sleek outfit for cameras. Her boots are blue!

Sarah Palin’s in the news again. This time she travels to Israel to solve no problems and say absolutely nothing.

Donald Trump had sex with Muammar al-Gaddafi.

Big news. Twitter is 5 years old. Read the first tweet ever.

Okay, so, some of them were pretty literal. Some, though, just get left to the imagination and you’d never be able to tell what cnn was trying to get across. Oh well.