Here’s all the news from yesterday according to cnn.com. Let’s see if I can recap it for you based solely on the headlines:

A coalition of armed forces flew somewhere and dropped bombs and those bombs hit something deemed necessary to destroy.

The food in Japan is safe for now, but in the long run, who knows.

The stock market is doing just great.

The earth we live on often rumbles and moves, but there’s no way for us to tell when or where that’s gonna happen. We are not as all-knowing and all-powerful as we may suspect.

Children should maybe or maybe not be strapped into car seats for longer or shorter periods of time. It’s hard to know, but you should fear for your kid’s safety.

Charlie Sheen isn’t doing anything out of the ordinary. At least as far as his ordinary goes.

The president spoke, probably eloquently or exquisitely or graciously, to a group of youngsters.

Ma Bell makin’ a come back.

Big Breasted super-heroine slips into sleek outfit for cameras. Her boots are blue!

Sarah Palin’s in the news again. This time she travels to Israel to solve no problems and say absolutely nothing.

Donald Trump had sex with Muammar al-Gaddafi.

Big news. Twitter is 5 years old. Read the first tweet ever.

Okay, so, some of them were pretty literal. Some, though, just get left to the imagination and you’d never be able to tell what cnn was trying to get across. Oh well.