The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Abort The Earth.

I couldn’t quite decide on how to exactly phrase the small summary about this Monday’s CNN headlines, so here are three different headline haikus for ya:

Meditate about how freedom predicts scam of family.
Laws trump life in street.
Taste aliens’ Cheetos.

Struggle! Privilege!
How freedom predicts a thousand Muslim laws.
Should life in street taste aliens’ Cheetos?

Meditate:
Black River rape.
Lifespan scam.
Invade Muslim laws.
Kicked, begged, hiding.
Selfie means Earth deforestation.

I don’t actually want to abort the Earth. It’s a nice enough place. Nice enough people most of the time. Weather isn’t too bad occasionally. Really, I’d like to know how to get away from all the news headlines. Can I do that without sacrificing my ability to stay connected and invested in the world? I’ve got 2 kids, so I’m already basically behind the times on EVERYTHING. Was there a new movie out? I’ll see it in 2 years. Is there a new PRESTIGE TV SHOW going right now? I’ll catch up on it next decade. Is there a presidential race going on? My kid has a science project to do and I have to paint a staircase.

You see what I mean. Where can I get an objective lowdown on what’s going on? Not in these articles, that’s for sure….

• If you struggle to meditate, try this
• Let’s talk about ‘black privilege’
• How much can a river take?
• Kesha was offfered ‘freedom’ to recant rape claim
• The software that predicts your lifespan
• Is psychic a victim of her own scam?
• Thousands of jellyfish invade beach
• Muslim family ordered off flight to D.C.
• Abortion laws you don’t hear about
• Trump says Kasich should be kicked out
• Man shot as he begged for life?
• Toxic-waste sites hiding in plain sight
• Man shot in street during selfie?
• What your taste in music means
• Could lasers hide Earth from aliens?
• Cheetos cause deforestation