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Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Russian Kiss: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #192

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The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Russian Kiss.

Consider giving a loved one a Russian kiss while listening to this week’s Talkin’ Headline

Talkin’ Headline haiku

Russian Kiss: The Talkin' Headline Blues #192
President Trump, an infected toenail about to fall off, and Paul Ryan share a smile after engaging in a Russian kiss with each other.

Trump detains Miss Iceland.
He kissed Kellyanne.
American sued mysterious minority ban.
Far-right is a Texas Russia.

I looked it up. A Russian kiss is when you put an ice cube in your mouth and then deeply and passionately kiss another person until you can force the ice cube from your mouth into their mouth. SOUNDS FUN!

Got me thinking, though. What would an American kiss be like? Maybe very patriotic. An American kiss would absolutely stand up for the national anthem at a baseball game. Maybe, also, it would make sure it was only between one man and one woman. And it wouldn’t think about if the man or the woman (or both!) were transgender. And no American kissing in bathrooms. Also, in order to become a citizen on the U.S.A. you have to pass some extreme kiss vetting. This means you have to produce a perfect American kiss onto the big chunky ass cheek of our very esteemed President Trump.

I bet, though, that since kissing is probably a preexisting condition, an American kiss isn’t that great. Because no one practices it very much because no one wants to be denied the basic human right of health care for some silly, stupid reason.

Headlines used for this recording

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Ugly Orphans: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #191

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The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Ugly Orphans.

Even ugly orphans enjoy listening to this week’s Talkin’ Headline

Talkin’ Headline haiku

Ugly Orphans: The Talkin' Headline Blues #191
Two ugly orphans share an intimate moment as Vice President Mike Pence pets the hair of President Donald Trump for the first time.

Ugly outrage for fake death.
Trump rarely scrubs.
Look, why turn healthy?
Rabbit leaves Americans orphans.

Aren’t we all ugly orphans at some point in our lives? Probably there are even more times than just one that you feel like that. Alone, cold, unwanted, made to sit in a corner facing the wall.

But at least you weren’t in debt to a foreign government during that time. At least you weren’t the most visible person on the planet. At least you got through it and came out the other side in the warm embrace of someone who showed you love, instead of in a prison cell of one type or another.

So things aren’t all bad then, I guess.

Headlines used for this recording

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Trump Snakes: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #190

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Trump Snakes.

Listen to this week’s Talkin’ Headline to hear the hiss of Trump snakes

Talkin’ Headline haiku

Trump Snakes: The Talkin' Headline Blues #190
Tiny-handed President Donald Trump snakes his way out of public view followed closely by a man who is scared of what happens at restaurants.

11 official Trump snakes.
Vote sparks history exercise.
Killing orcas and people.
How video takes you.

Have you ever seen a snake in it’s natural habitat? Better yet, have you ever seen one somewhere that it doesn’t belong?

I saw a diamondback rattlesnake out west in Arizona on a trip with my family last summer. I still think about the way it undulated in the desert sand. How quick it scuttled out of view under a scraggle of brush.

I often wonder what that snake would do if it had to sit at a desk all day, or if it had to sign papers that it was unable to comprehend. I bet it’d get pretty bored and filled with anxiety. It might even lash out and tug at the arm of a visiting dignitary from a foreign country. Just to make it feel at home.

Either way, I’m sure the snake would be able to maintain it’s leathery and scaly skin, due to the many hours spent alone in the barren wastes of the desert.

Headlines used for this recording

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Russian Roulette: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #189

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Russian Roulette.

Instead of Russian roulette, listen to this week’s Talkin’ Headline

Talkin’ Headline haiku

Russian Roulette: The Talkin' Headline Blues #189
President Trump, an old, wet paper towel blowing in the wind, returns from another failed session of Russian roulette.

Russia makes senator missing.
Kremlin test calls Trump fake.
Truck cop on Trump Twitter: Obamacare hero.

It’s Spring! Time to pull out your handgun, point it at your temple and pull the trigger.

Oh, yes, it’s such an exhilarating time to be alive, wouldn’t you say? Don’t you feel all the luck pulsing through your veins? Isn’t it fun to cheat death? Do it now, before it gets banned. Or before climate change kills you. Or before you’re embarrassed to death when your Internet Service Provider releases your web browsing history.

Quick and easy is the way to go, no?

Headlines used for this recording

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Ivanka Suck Your Blood: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #188

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Ivanka Suck Your Blood.

Headline haiku

Ivanka Suck Your Blood: The Talkin' Headline Blues #188
President Trump, a bathroom sink drain clogged with hair shavings and spit, daydreams of his daughter, Ivanka, a blood-thirsty vampire, during an important meeting.

Health care frozen away.
Video: Ivanka’s laptop threatens poisonous Republicans.
Trump’s love Nazi accidentally scared old CEO.

Did you know that part of the new Republican health care law includes free* mandatory bloodletting? It’s TRUE! Bloodletting for all! Let the streets run red! Feel the fresh cleanse of draining your veins and arteries. AH!!! SO RELAXING!!!!

*Mandatory bloodlettings are only free before March 21, 2017. In the event that this date has past, you must pay a blood fine of $1,000.00 per cup of blood. Minimum 20 cups of blood taken.

Headlines used for this recording