Well. That was surprisingly easy even though my bones and skin feel reversed and my head is somewhere floating behind my body. (I’m talking about THIS.)

Maybe it was SO SIMPLE, though, because these CNN.com headlines were written so well. THANKS CNN. You’re THE BEST. You make everything sound so ridiculous that I don’t even have to worry about any of it being real.

It’s not real, right? CNN.com turned into the Onion, right? Pure satire, right? Because these headlines CAN’T be actual news.

Or, wait…I did get stuck on Interstate 290 heading out of Chicago Monday morning because of a…train crash. UH OH.

But maybe that’s the only real news item, right? RIGHT!? Please tell me yes. I can’t deal with anything serious right now, okay?