The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Pushing Daisies.
Pictured here: Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump pushing daisies out of his mouth.
Silent president crisis!
Girl tests man.
Why flowers killed, tear-gassed?
Email diabetes: A death to Yahoo.
And here are your ever-relevant (for today, at least) CNN headlines:
The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Fart Trumpets.
Two fart trumpets gesture at each other in a race to blurt out the longest and loudest wisp of noxious gas.
Convention will blame mob in shooting.
Demand these Trump-Pence sulfur guns for killing.
Cure policing again?
As if enough people didn’t already make plenty of jokes about the stench of Cleveland during the Summer when it’s hot and humid. Now they have to put up with an entire group of fart trumpets descending on their city for four days this week. Imagine the smell of all that wind. Imagine the foul taste in your mouth if you were one of the fair citizens of that town.
It’s somewhat similar to the blowhards in Chicago who have recently been making the rounds to insist that the 2016 Olympics would have been great for the city. But, also to insist that even though Chicago failed miserably in getting the Games, the city benefited handsomely.
Yes, everyone who lives in Chicago is benefitting. That’s why everything in Chicago is just so wonderful and works so well. The entire country, no, WORLD, looks upon Chicago as a bastion of hope and compassion and prosperity and equality and peace.
The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Got Pacifier?
A man uses a large amount of food as a pacifier in order to make it clear that he has nothing to say, nothing to stand for and no one to help.
Everyone shot.
Most get the pacifism privilege.
Death poised to fire.
Advice consoles new black hole guard.
Have you got a certain thing that comforts you in a time of great need and distress? Something that cooes into your ear and calms your blood pressure? Something that fits in your pocket that you fiddle with when your palms start to sweat? Something that has only very significant meaning to you?
Or maybe you don’t need one at all. Maybe your life is all figured out and you can just roll along easy and free. Maybe in stressful situations you just smile to yourself and know that on the other side of your troubles your knees will come out unscathed on a bed of lush grass.
Also it could be that you do have a pacifier that you use all the time. One that is part of you that you don’t even ever really have to think about. One that every person in the world can see but never enters your brain as having any effect on you or anyone else. One that you’ll never escape from no matter what.
Someone will have to rip it away from you and never give it back. It’ll probably be violent and feel so sudden and strange. You won’t know quite what to think about yourself. You won’t understand why your cries and whimpers are falling on deaf ears.
It’s like being a baby and your nipple to suck on is gone.
How do you sleep at night now? How do you stay quiet in stores and restaurants and out on sidewalks? How do you go about your day with nothing to plunge into your mouth to quit your yells and whines?
How do you live without the thing that hides you from the world? The thing that protects you and keeps you safe. The thing that makes you sure and confident and brilliant and pleasing. The thing that makes you automatically special. The thing that describes and defines and differentiates you. The thing that you never even knew you had or needed or used.
I often wonder about all the pacifiers I surround myself with. I have so many to shield my self from everything else. Some I’ve collected and others I’ve had my whole life. Who’s gonna take them away from me? Who’s gonna be the one to show me I don’t need them? I sure don’t think I can do that on my own.
What I can do is keep reading thousands of different news headlines. That is something that definitely lulls me to sleep. Maybe you need a nap to? If so, read on:
The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: A Dog’s Brexit.
Three astronauts leave the International Space Station and float back down to Earth in a box. The American and the Russian embrace each other and smile at returning home. The British astronaut just sits alone and considers what to call his exit from space.
Fiery black-white Pope sculptures or brain-eating rapper minivan?
Texas whale opens Social Security benefits cave.
People arrested.
Brexit disparity makes giant Kanye amoeba.
Rapper hits Texas whale restaurant.
Social Security benefits largest cheat.
And?
Where are you headed this Summer?
It’s a question you ask and get asked a thousand times in the final weeks of June when you live in the city of Chicago. Everyone is getting away. FAR AWAY.
No one really goes to the street festivals or the beaches or the farmer’s markets. Nobody in their right mind attends Lollapalooza.
Everyone is thanking their Lord and Savior that Chicago failed miserably in getting the 2016 Olympics. Because think of the TRAFFIC. Think of the GRAFT. Think of the COLOSSAL FUCK UPS. But also think about how fun it might have been to see all the Chicago Olympic FAILURES in the run up to the games. Some people live for Olympic Disaster Porn.
But even without the sports world descending on and shitting on everything, WE ALL MUST GET AWAY.
Family vacations, romantic trips, get-aways, weekenders, holidays, sabbaticals, church retreats, furloughs, time off, journeys, camping outings and so on. An endless stream of leaving.
Probably not too long before someone coins “Chexit” or “Chi-go,” huh?
In any event, have a great Summer Chexit. Start yours off right with this week’s CNN headlines.
The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Twinkie Twump.
Someone upset about the lack of gun control laws in the United States, performs an act of protest by rubbing a moldy, 70-year-old Twinkie on the American flag.
Emotional Muslims to unrealistic Alien Life Form victims: Mix Trump valedictorian kids, gay affordable Milky Way in Super Bowl tween.
And, of course, here are the headlines used to compose this week’s tune:
Music Vomit 