Tag Archives: song

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

A Dog’s Brexit: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #175

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: A Dog’s Brexit.

A Dog's Brexit: The Talkin' Headline Blues #175
Three astronauts leave the International Space Station and float back down to Earth in a box. The American and the Russian embrace each other and smile at returning home. The British astronaut just sits alone and considers what to call his exit from space.

Fiery black-white Pope sculptures or brain-eating rapper minivan?
Texas whale opens Social Security benefits cave.
People arrested.

Brexit disparity makes giant Kanye amoeba.
Rapper hits Texas whale restaurant.
Social Security benefits largest cheat.
And?

Where are you headed this Summer?

It’s a question you ask and get asked a thousand times in the final weeks of June when you live in the city of Chicago. Everyone is getting away. FAR AWAY.

No one really goes to the street festivals or the beaches or the farmer’s markets. Nobody in their right mind attends Lollapalooza.

Everyone is thanking their Lord and Savior that Chicago failed miserably in getting the 2016 Olympics. Because think of the TRAFFIC. Think of the GRAFT. Think of the COLOSSAL FUCK UPS. But also think about how fun it might have been to see all the Chicago Olympic FAILURES in the run up to the games. Some people live for Olympic Disaster Porn.

But even without the sports world descending on and shitting on everything, WE ALL MUST GET AWAY.

Family vacations, romantic trips, get-aways, weekenders, holidays, sabbaticals, church retreats, furloughs, time off, journeys, camping outings and so on. An endless stream of leaving.

Probably not too long before someone coins “Chexit” or “Chi-go,” huh?

In any event, have a great Summer Chexit. Start yours off right with this week’s CNN headlines.

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Twinkie Twump: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #174

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Twinkie Twump.

Twinkie Twump: The Talkin' Headline Blues #174
Someone upset about the lack of gun control laws in the United States, performs an act of protest by rubbing a moldy, 70-year-old Twinkie on the American flag.

Emotional Muslims to unrealistic Alien Life Form victims: Mix Trump valedictorian kids, gay affordable Milky Way in Super Bowl tween.

And, of course, here are the headlines used to compose this week’s tune:

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Migraine Relief: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #173

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Migraine Relief.

Migraine Relief: The Talkin' Headline Blues #173
Migraines are caused by many factors and elements both naturally occurring and man-made. For instance, the state of Illinois and the city of Chicago (pictured above) are known to cause severe headaches and stress-related trauma.

Self help for headache president.
Accident stabs school in groin.
Suspect: Chewbacca said this, “Fishermen exercise!”

Never had a migraine? Want one just to see what it’s like? Listen to this week’s song and then read these articles:

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Orange Ya Glad? The Talkin’ Headline Blues #172

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Orange Ya Glad?

Orange Ya Glad? The Talkin' Headline Blues #172
Orange ya glad ya don’t done have tiny chicklet fingers?

Gold, hard, stupid man fools woman’s job-killing bleach penis.
Deadly condoms run into Obamacare training stage.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Banana.

Banana who?

(Repeat 1,562 times.)

Knock, knock.

WHO’S THERE?!

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange ya glad you don’t have to hear this joke every day?

Because I do.

Here’s a tip for you folks who are about to have your first kid. It may seem innocent enough teaching your kid this Knock-knock joke, because it’s a CLASSIC. But don’t do it. Trust me. Teach them some other better joke like:

A guy walks into a bar and sees another man sitting at the bar having a drink. The guy yells out, “STANISLAW.” The man turns around, gives weird look and turns back. The guy yells again, “STANISLAW.” And the man at the bar turns again, gives a weird look and then turns back. The guy yells AGAIN, “STANISLAW!” And the man turns around, gives a weird look and turns back. The guy, once more, yells, “STANISLAW!!” And the man turns around, gives a weird look and says, “I’m not Stanislaw.” Then he turns back to his drink. The other guy leaves the bar.

That’s a MUCH BETTER joke for you kid to report over and over and over.

Speaking of repeating the same thing over and over and over, here are the headlines from CNN that I used in this week’s song. Read the articles if you dare, but, really, you probably read something similar to these yesterday, last week, last month, last year:

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Swivel War: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #171

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Swivel War.

Swivel War: The Talkin' Headline Blues #171
A woman gets clobbered in the head by her husband because she did not keep her head on a swivel while her husband was swaddled by his father.

Swaddling Cruz in Clinton hate detected opposing Trump mall.
Flying TV girl crisis is real cause.

Get it? Swivel War because Captain America: Civil War came out last week and because the election for president is HEATING UP.

It is heating up, right? I haven’t really been paying attention because politicians usually say one thing to get elected, then try to do another after getting elected, and then fail to do anything at all until they’re up for election again so that they can promise to DO MORE THINGS and MAKE GREATNESS HAPPEN and WALL OFF THE OTHERS and BE NO DIFFERENT.

So what I’m saying is, it’s a big old SWIVEL WAR. So much fun, huh? It’d be better if they all wore their underwear on the outside of their clothes and had big sexy muscle bodies, right? TOTALLY. I’d vote for Underwear Muscle Person.

Anyway, time for you to read some news from CNN. Isn’t CNN just so great? All the news, all the time. You didn’t even know you wanted it. Or needed it. But CNN is right there for you. Just like that pile of dog shit in your front yard that someone with a dog didn’t courteously pick up and then you stepped in it when you were already late for work in the morning on the same day that you had a BIG PRESENTATION for the corporate office.

Thanks CNN. For all these articles and so much more: