Audio

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Russian Roulette: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #189

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Russian Roulette.

Instead of Russian roulette, listen to this week’s Talkin’ Headline

Talkin’ Headline haiku

Russian Roulette: The Talkin' Headline Blues #189
President Trump, an old, wet paper towel blowing in the wind, returns from another failed session of Russian roulette.

Russia makes senator missing.
Kremlin test calls Trump fake.
Truck cop on Trump Twitter: Obamacare hero.

It’s Spring! Time to pull out your handgun, point it at your temple and pull the trigger.

Oh, yes, it’s such an exhilarating time to be alive, wouldn’t you say? Don’t you feel all the luck pulsing through your veins? Isn’t it fun to cheat death? Do it now, before it gets banned. Or before climate change kills you. Or before you’re embarrassed to death when your Internet Service Provider releases your web browsing history.

Quick and easy is the way to go, no?

Headlines used for this recording

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Ivanka Suck Your Blood: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #188

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Ivanka Suck Your Blood.

Headline haiku

Ivanka Suck Your Blood: The Talkin' Headline Blues #188
President Trump, a bathroom sink drain clogged with hair shavings and spit, daydreams of his daughter, Ivanka, a blood-thirsty vampire, during an important meeting.

Health care frozen away.
Video: Ivanka’s laptop threatens poisonous Republicans.
Trump’s love Nazi accidentally scared old CEO.

Did you know that part of the new Republican health care law includes free* mandatory bloodletting? It’s TRUE! Bloodletting for all! Let the streets run red! Feel the fresh cleanse of draining your veins and arteries. AH!!! SO RELAXING!!!!

*Mandatory bloodlettings are only free before March 21, 2017. In the event that this date has past, you must pay a blood fine of $1,000.00 per cup of blood. Minimum 20 cups of blood taken.

Headlines used for this recording

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Planetary Baby: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #187

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Planetary Baby.

Planetary Baby: The Talkin' Headline Blues #187
A planetary baby shows off his flag pin. He put it on himself!

Challengers in Trump Court probe huge, clever children with nomination.
Fine airplanes!
Planetary baby kills enemy.

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Ban Backlash: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #186

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Ban Backlash.

Ban Backlash: The Talkin' Headline Blues #186
President Trump, whose favorite meal is cold spaghetti and tampons from the trash, attempts to ban backlash with Scotch tape.

Ban backlash has Supreme Court  blast health probe at turban mosques.
Why Chicago Mexican shuns Twitter Trump.

Ah yes, can you feel the goodness of it? Do you find its warm embrace to be soothing and relaxing? Does it lull you to sleep after a long day hunched over at a desk? I sure bet it does. IT FEELS GREAT!

I’m going to say it here first: Bans are the new black.

And now the headlines of the day:

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Leak Decollation: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #185

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Leak Decollation.

Leak Decollation: The Talkin' Headline Blues #185
A White House staff member checks President Donald Trump’s face for any evidence of leak decollation.

Screw Trump history agenda.
Crowd of leaks beheaded at employee court.
Hear about Pentagon sex ed photoshoot.

So let me get this straight: Leaks bad, secrets good. Okay, got it. Thanks White House.

Here are the leak-filled headlines used to cobble together this week’s Talkin’ Headline: