Tag Archives: News

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Orange Ya Glad? The Talkin’ Headline Blues #172

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Orange Ya Glad?

Orange Ya Glad? The Talkin' Headline Blues #172
Orange ya glad ya don’t done have tiny chicklet fingers?

Gold, hard, stupid man fools woman’s job-killing bleach penis.
Deadly condoms run into Obamacare training stage.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Banana.

Banana who?

(Repeat 1,562 times.)

Knock, knock.

WHO’S THERE?!

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange ya glad you don’t have to hear this joke every day?

Because I do.

Here’s a tip for you folks who are about to have your first kid. It may seem innocent enough teaching your kid this Knock-knock joke, because it’s a CLASSIC. But don’t do it. Trust me. Teach them some other better joke like:

A guy walks into a bar and sees another man sitting at the bar having a drink. The guy yells out, “STANISLAW.” The man turns around, gives weird look and turns back. The guy yells again, “STANISLAW.” And the man at the bar turns again, gives a weird look and then turns back. The guy yells AGAIN, “STANISLAW!” And the man turns around, gives a weird look and turns back. The guy, once more, yells, “STANISLAW!!” And the man turns around, gives a weird look and says, “I’m not Stanislaw.” Then he turns back to his drink. The other guy leaves the bar.

That’s a MUCH BETTER joke for you kid to report over and over and over.

Speaking of repeating the same thing over and over and over, here are the headlines from CNN that I used in this week’s song. Read the articles if you dare, but, really, you probably read something similar to these yesterday, last week, last month, last year:

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Swivel War: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #171

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Swivel War.

Swivel War: The Talkin' Headline Blues #171
A woman gets clobbered in the head by her husband because she did not keep her head on a swivel while her husband was swaddled by his father.

Swaddling Cruz in Clinton hate detected opposing Trump mall.
Flying TV girl crisis is real cause.

Get it? Swivel War because Captain America: Civil War came out last week and because the election for president is HEATING UP.

It is heating up, right? I haven’t really been paying attention because politicians usually say one thing to get elected, then try to do another after getting elected, and then fail to do anything at all until they’re up for election again so that they can promise to DO MORE THINGS and MAKE GREATNESS HAPPEN and WALL OFF THE OTHERS and BE NO DIFFERENT.

So what I’m saying is, it’s a big old SWIVEL WAR. So much fun, huh? It’d be better if they all wore their underwear on the outside of their clothes and had big sexy muscle bodies, right? TOTALLY. I’d vote for Underwear Muscle Person.

Anyway, time for you to read some news from CNN. Isn’t CNN just so great? All the news, all the time. You didn’t even know you wanted it. Or needed it. But CNN is right there for you. Just like that pile of dog shit in your front yard that someone with a dog didn’t courteously pick up and then you stepped in it when you were already late for work in the morning on the same day that you had a BIG PRESENTATION for the corporate office.

Thanks CNN. For all these articles and so much more:

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Rat Race: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #170

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Rat Race.

Rat Race: The Talkin' Headline Blues #170
What kind of rat race are you involved in: Presidential? NFL Draft? Household? Work? Local School Council? Or just trying to float on up to Heaven before everyone else?

Historic Indiana record was from homeless ice.
Obama tips official rodent.
Sexy multimillion dollar Noah’s ark is Detroit.

There was a WGN news van around the corner from my house this morning, reporting on who knows what. I thought I heard a helicopter churning outside the bedroom window last night, but chalked it up to a dream. But maybe that was it? Or maybe it was a UFO? Maybe our salvation is upon us and our overlords will take us away from this rat race. Maybe WGN was reporting on that?

Or maybe they were just getting a live shot near the Starbuck’s because some woman in Chicago is suing Starbuck’s because they put TOO MUCH ICE in her drink. I have a tip for this lady:

Stop going to Starbuck’s.

But also, too much ice in your Starbuck’s drink is a good thing. More ice means less of the other sludge they put in the cups. So, if you are brave enough to go to a Starbuck’s, always ask for MORE ICE. Or, AS MUCH ICE AS YOU CAN FIT. Or, even, JUST GIVE ME A HANDFUL OF ICE, PLEASE.

That would be a VENTI MANCIATA ICE. Only costs $9.91.

Anyhow, here are the articles from CNN I used for the song this week. Enjoy!

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Whoever Smelt It Dealt It: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #169

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Whoever Smelt It Dealt It.

Whoever Smelt It Dealt It: The Talkin' Headline Blues #169
Whoever had the smirk did the work. And, of course, whoever refuted it tooted it.

Death stuns Rust Belt.
U.S. vs. extinction and police.
Fish star laundry.
Poison submarines limit mauled Cuba.

You see what I did here with this week’s topic? See how one of the headlines has the word “fish”? See how “smelt” is also a kind of fish? See that picture I dropped in there of a politician (could have been any politician)? See?

Well, now that you have a clear understanding, go ahead and read up on some more fart jokes. It’s okay. We all love letting a good one fly. Then, after you’re finished with that, read some ass smoke that CNN baked up this week:

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Shame Sham: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #168

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Shame Sham.

Shame Sham: The Talkin' Headline Blues #168
It’s such a shame when a sister and a brother can’t get along and play nice.

Innocent president candidate man silent.
Fake immigration gator wins.
Toxins save dog.
Shaming helps wearable people.

Are you living in Chicago? Do you have kids? Do your kids go to school at a Chicago Public School? If so, then you’re probably lounging by a pool or near the ocean waves or at the peak of a tall mountain or maybe even on the deck of a sailing ship. You’re on Spring Break! What better way to spend a Spring Break than listening to some shameful news headlines, right? I’m spending mine writing a song full of shameful news headlines and then painting a stairwell. SO RELAXING!

In any event, go ahead and sip your fancy tropical drink while you listen to the tune and read these articles. Doing so will at least put you to sleep for a nice long nap in the sun. Hope you lathered up with sun lotion.