Tag Archives: song

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Rat Race: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #170

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Rat Race.

Rat Race: The Talkin' Headline Blues #170
What kind of rat race are you involved in: Presidential? NFL Draft? Household? Work? Local School Council? Or just trying to float on up to Heaven before everyone else?

Historic Indiana record was from homeless ice.
Obama tips official rodent.
Sexy multimillion dollar Noah’s ark is Detroit.

There was a WGN news van around the corner from my house this morning, reporting on who knows what. I thought I heard a helicopter churning outside the bedroom window last night, but chalked it up to a dream. But maybe that was it? Or maybe it was a UFO? Maybe our salvation is upon us and our overlords will take us away from this rat race. Maybe WGN was reporting on that?

Or maybe they were just getting a live shot near the Starbuck’s because some woman in Chicago is suing Starbuck’s because they put TOO MUCH ICE in her drink. I have a tip for this lady:

Stop going to Starbuck’s.

But also, too much ice in your Starbuck’s drink is a good thing. More ice means less of the other sludge they put in the cups. So, if you are brave enough to go to a Starbuck’s, always ask for MORE ICE. Or, AS MUCH ICE AS YOU CAN FIT. Or, even, JUST GIVE ME A HANDFUL OF ICE, PLEASE.

That would be a VENTI MANCIATA ICE. Only costs $9.91.

Anyhow, here are the articles from CNN I used for the song this week. Enjoy!

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Whoever Smelt It Dealt It: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #169

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Whoever Smelt It Dealt It.

Whoever Smelt It Dealt It: The Talkin' Headline Blues #169
Whoever had the smirk did the work. And, of course, whoever refuted it tooted it.

Death stuns Rust Belt.
U.S. vs. extinction and police.
Fish star laundry.
Poison submarines limit mauled Cuba.

You see what I did here with this week’s topic? See how one of the headlines has the word “fish”? See how “smelt” is also a kind of fish? See that picture I dropped in there of a politician (could have been any politician)? See?

Well, now that you have a clear understanding, go ahead and read up on some more fart jokes. It’s okay. We all love letting a good one fly. Then, after you’re finished with that, read some ass smoke that CNN baked up this week:

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Shame Sham: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #168

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Shame Sham.

Shame Sham: The Talkin' Headline Blues #168
It’s such a shame when a sister and a brother can’t get along and play nice.

Innocent president candidate man silent.
Fake immigration gator wins.
Toxins save dog.
Shaming helps wearable people.

Are you living in Chicago? Do you have kids? Do your kids go to school at a Chicago Public School? If so, then you’re probably lounging by a pool or near the ocean waves or at the peak of a tall mountain or maybe even on the deck of a sailing ship. You’re on Spring Break! What better way to spend a Spring Break than listening to some shameful news headlines, right? I’m spending mine writing a song full of shameful news headlines and then painting a stairwell. SO RELAXING!

In any event, go ahead and sip your fancy tropical drink while you listen to the tune and read these articles. Doing so will at least put you to sleep for a nice long nap in the sun. Hope you lathered up with sun lotion.

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Phat Dope: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #167

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Phat Dope.

Phat Dope: The Talkin' Headline Blues #167
Shown here is a nun and her religious habit.

Sensitive, thin Obama loses Trump teacher.
Airport welcomes marijuana of Spain’s fat wombats.
Legendary joyride.

Some blames dope and some blames liquor. Some blames love and some blames, uh, politics. The habit I blame is looking at news headlines on websites dedicated solely to posting as many news headlines  as possible.

Got a habit of your very own? No? Why not start staring at online news articles like me then? Here’re several collected for you in a nice bulleted list:

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Abort The Earth: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #166

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Abort The Earth.

Abort The Earth: The Talkin' Headline Blues #166
An Earthling’s failed attempt to abort the Earth.

I couldn’t quite decide on how to exactly phrase the small summary about this Monday’s CNN headlines, so here are three different headline haikus for ya:

Meditate about how freedom predicts scam of family.
Laws trump life in street.
Taste aliens’ Cheetos.

Struggle! Privilege!
How freedom predicts a thousand Muslim laws.
Should life in street taste aliens’ Cheetos?

Meditate:
Black River rape.
Lifespan scam.
Invade Muslim laws.
Kicked, begged, hiding.
Selfie means Earth deforestation.

I don’t actually want to abort the Earth. It’s a nice enough place. Nice enough people most of the time. Weather isn’t too bad occasionally. Really, I’d like to know how to get away from all the news headlines. Can I do that without sacrificing my ability to stay connected and invested in the world? I’ve got 2 kids, so I’m already basically behind the times on EVERYTHING. Was there a new movie out? I’ll see it in 2 years. Is there a new PRESTIGE TV SHOW going right now? I’ll catch up on it next decade. Is there a presidential race going on? My kid has a science project to do and I have to paint a staircase.

You see what I mean. Where can I get an objective lowdown on what’s going on? Not in these articles, that’s for sure….