Tag Archives: trump

Trump Nuts: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #179

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Trump Nuts.

Trump Nuts: The Talkin' Headline Blues #179
Will plastic bag of dog droppings Donald Trump be able to make America’s truck nuts great again?

Dragon devastation during debates.
In new parents hot bumps found.
Trump nuts.
Unearthing human who flips.

You know all about Truck Nuts, right? So, my question is, how long are we, as Americans, going to have to wait until we can get some amazing, classy Trump Nuts? Are we going to have to wait ALL THE WAY until January 21, 2017? Because I need my Trump Nuts now! That’s how America will be great again. It’s the ONLY WAY.

Trump Nuts or BUST!

And, of course, here are the CNN headlines I used for this week’s talkin’ blues song. Use them to get your mind off of Trump’s shiny golden testicles. IF YOU CAN.

Trump Is Working On A Building

Super-Classy Un-buh-leev-able Amazing Failure

Donald Trump's hair is just so super-great.
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind.

Remember when Google set up search results for “miserable failure” to link to George W. Bush? Apparently that was called a “Google Bomb” and miserable failure isn’t linked to Bush any more. But don’t you think there’s another miserable failure lurking around these days? Or maybe an amazing failure? Or super-classy failure? Or unbelievable failure? Yes? Me too. So I wrote a song about lumpy bag of moldy clementines Donald Trump. Have a listen:

Woody and the Carter Family

Now, you may notice, if you’re familiar with old folk tunes, that this new song I wrote about Trump is very similar to the Carter Family song I’m Working on a Building. There’s a few very good reasons for that.

First is, it’s one of my favorite tunes. I play it often and, so, it pops up in my head a lot at random times during the day.

Second, it has some good phrases that I figured I could update to be relevant about today. That’s the best thing to do when writing a folk song. Find an old one that you like, that has a catchy melody and an interesting message and then replace a few words to make it relatable to something currently in the news or your life. I barely even had to change the repeating chorus because Trump does work on buildings. Only thing different is that instead of building a house of good and a structure of hope and faith, he bankrupts everyone and everything he comes in contact with.

Like Father Like Son

Trump and his father Fred
Two severely balding orange men standing close together.

Now, the last reason, and maybe the reason that got me writing this new song is closely linked to the idea of creating new songs by rewriting old ones. Last week I was thinking a lot about Donald Trump because of the Republican National Convention and I remembered a news article I read about how Woody Guthrie had written a song about Trump’s crooked landlord father Fred Trump (read all about him here). So I went in search of that article to listen to the song because I thought maybe I could update it to be about Donald.

Only problem is, when I found the article, it turns out Woody didn’t so much write a song about Fred Trump, he just maybe reworked a verse of his tune I Ain’t Got No Home. His “song” about Fred Trump amounts to little more than a few scribbled ideas in his notebook. Not much for me to use. Plus, Woody’s song I Ain’t Got No Home was already a rewrite of the Carter Family song Can’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore. Do you see where this is headed?

Woody took a lot of ideas from Carter Family tunes (and from a lot of other people) and that’s something I picked up on really fast when I started writing my own songs. I didn’t have to try and come up with something completely new and different. I could just update old songs to fit my times and the troubles and triumphs I saw around me. So that’s what I did with I’m Working on a Building.

But that’s STEALING

Yeah, it probably is. I admit that. Although, folk music (and maybe most music) is all stolen. Every new song rests on the shoulders of something that came before it. You might go as far to say that everything rests on the shoulders of what went before it. As we move into the future the past is what we have to stand on. Forgetting that, you fall into a pit of nothing and may never take another step in any direction. I guess it’s only really stealing if you take complete credit for all the words in a song and say all the ideas were yours alone and no one  ever did anything like you ever before. No one does that, though, right?

Fart Trumpets: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #177

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Fart Trumpets.

Fart Trumpets: The Talkin' Headline Blues #177
Two fart trumpets gesture at each other in a race to blurt out the longest and loudest wisp of noxious gas.

Convention will blame mob in shooting.
Demand these Trump-Pence sulfur guns for killing.
Cure policing again?

As if enough people didn’t already make plenty of jokes about the stench of Cleveland during the Summer when it’s hot and humid. Now they have to put up with an entire group of fart trumpets descending on their city for four days this week. Imagine the smell of all that wind. Imagine the foul taste in your mouth if you were one of the fair citizens of that town.

It’s somewhat similar to the blowhards in Chicago who have recently been making the rounds to insist that the 2016 Olympics would have been great for the city. But, also to insist that even though Chicago failed miserably in getting the Games, the city benefited handsomely.

Yes, everyone who lives in Chicago is benefitting. That’s why everything in Chicago is just so wonderful and works so well. The entire country, no, WORLD, looks upon Chicago as a bastion of hope and compassion and prosperity and equality and peace.

It’s been said before: Chicago is the city that works…for about one percent of the people.

Now, enough of that. Go read some happy headlines!

Twinkie Twump: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #174

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Twinkie Twump.

Twinkie Twump: The Talkin' Headline Blues #174
Someone upset about the lack of gun control laws in the United States, performs an act of protest by rubbing a moldy, 70-year-old Twinkie on the American flag.

Emotional Muslims to unrealistic Alien Life Form victims: Mix Trump valedictorian kids, gay affordable Milky Way in Super Bowl tween.

And, of course, here are the headlines used to compose this week’s tune:

Orange Ya Glad? The Talkin’ Headline Blues #172

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Orange Ya Glad?

Orange Ya Glad? The Talkin' Headline Blues #172
Orange ya glad ya don’t done have tiny chicklet fingers?

Gold, hard, stupid man fools woman’s job-killing bleach penis.
Deadly condoms run into Obamacare training stage.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Banana.

Banana who?

(Repeat 1,562 times.)

Knock, knock.

WHO’S THERE?!

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange ya glad you don’t have to hear this joke every day?

Because I do.

Here’s a tip for you folks who are about to have your first kid. It may seem innocent enough teaching your kid this Knock-knock joke, because it’s a CLASSIC. But don’t do it. Trust me. Teach them some other better joke like:

A guy walks into a bar and sees another man sitting at the bar having a drink. The guy yells out, “STANISLAW.” The man turns around, gives weird look and turns back. The guy yells again, “STANISLAW.” And the man at the bar turns again, gives a weird look and then turns back. The guy yells AGAIN, “STANISLAW!” And the man turns around, gives a weird look and turns back. The guy, once more, yells, “STANISLAW!!” And the man turns around, gives a weird look and says, “I’m not Stanislaw.” Then he turns back to his drink. The other guy leaves the bar.

That’s a MUCH BETTER joke for you kid to report over and over and over.

Speaking of repeating the same thing over and over and over, here are the headlines from CNN that I used in this week’s song. Read the articles if you dare, but, really, you probably read something similar to these yesterday, last week, last month, last year: