Category Archives: Talkin’ Headline Blues

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Phat Dope: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #167

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Phat Dope.

Phat Dope: The Talkin' Headline Blues #167
Shown here is a nun and her religious habit.

Sensitive, thin Obama loses Trump teacher.
Airport welcomes marijuana of Spain’s fat wombats.
Legendary joyride.

Some blames dope and some blames liquor. Some blames love and some blames, uh, politics. The habit I blame is looking at news headlines on websites dedicated solely to posting as many news headlines  as possible.

Got a habit of your very own? No? Why not start staring at online news articles like me then? Here’re several collected for you in a nice bulleted list:

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Abort The Earth: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #166

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Abort The Earth.

Abort The Earth: The Talkin' Headline Blues #166
An Earthling’s failed attempt to abort the Earth.

I couldn’t quite decide on how to exactly phrase the small summary about this Monday’s CNN headlines, so here are three different headline haikus for ya:

Meditate about how freedom predicts scam of family.
Laws trump life in street.
Taste aliens’ Cheetos.

Struggle! Privilege!
How freedom predicts a thousand Muslim laws.
Should life in street taste aliens’ Cheetos?

Meditate:
Black River rape.
Lifespan scam.
Invade Muslim laws.
Kicked, begged, hiding.
Selfie means Earth deforestation.

I don’t actually want to abort the Earth. It’s a nice enough place. Nice enough people most of the time. Weather isn’t too bad occasionally. Really, I’d like to know how to get away from all the news headlines. Can I do that without sacrificing my ability to stay connected and invested in the world? I’ve got 2 kids, so I’m already basically behind the times on EVERYTHING. Was there a new movie out? I’ll see it in 2 years. Is there a new PRESTIGE TV SHOW going right now? I’ll catch up on it next decade. Is there a presidential race going on? My kid has a science project to do and I have to paint a staircase.

You see what I mean. Where can I get an objective lowdown on what’s going on? Not in these articles, that’s for sure….

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Chi-raq Shake: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #165

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Chi-raq Shake.

Chi-raq Shake: The Talkin' Headline Blues #165
Nothing quite like a nice cold Chi-raq Shake straight from the teat!

Georgia milkshake arrested whales.
Big fake alien brings Chicago next brain.
Kids sad.
Living volcano dies.

Is a Chi-raq Shake a tasty ice cream treat? Is it a new popular dance move all the teens are doing? Is it a movement disorder acquired when one is punched out by a member of the elite Chicago Police Department? Is it all of those? Listen to the song and read the articles to find out!

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Embargoing Ass: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #164

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Embargoing Ass.

Embargoing Ass: The Talkin' Headline Blues #164
Go ahead and embargo some ass. Could be your ass. Could be someone else’s ass. Whatever ass you’re embargoing, you can rest assured that you’re making American great again.

U.S. fires surprise hate embargo.
Canned female gives over verdict.
Ninjas smile.
Question for leaders embarrassing.

Do you see how I arrived at this week’s topic? It was easy! I just combined the word “embargo” with the word “embarrassing” and VOILA! Very similar to writing a song by using headlines that are already written. You don’t even really need to read exactly what the headlines are about. Most of them are very unimportant anyway. If you feel like reading something like that, though, go for it! Here’re all the articles:

Listen, Talkin' Headline Blues

Power Tumbles: The Talkin’ Headline Blues #163

Audio

The Talkin’ Headline Blues is a weekly series of recordings using unedited headlines from CNN.com written as a song. This week’s topic: Power Tumbles.

Power Tumbles: The Talkin' Headline Blues #163
The bigger they come the harder they fall. This is the eye of a whale.

To chain people can attack the truth.
Teacher is Spider-Man.
Inventor’s tribe tumbles.
Expensive machine power.

How are you celebrating Pi Day today? Are you filling your gut with lots of creamy pies? Or are you a fruit pie person? Or maybe you’re spending the day finding the area of every single circle you can get your hands on. Well, if you don’t have plans yet and you want to feel like you’ve been hit in the face with a shaving cream pie while running around in a circle, then read these headlines from CNN’s website: